October 2, 2024
The Power of Apology: Four Steps to Teshuvah
Rabbinic Intern Brooklyn Michalowicz
The Power of Apology: Four Steps to Teshuvah
Rabbinic Intern Brooklyn Michalowicz
Several years ago, my brother Philip approached me in the laundry room.
“Brooks, do you have a minute?”
I was loading the dryer and had all the time in the world.
He hunched his shoulders, and quietly said,
“I wanted to say that I’m sorry.
I’m really sorry for being mean for so long.
Mom told me that you think I don’t respect you because I’m not nice to you,
but I do respect you, a lot.
And I’m sorry I haven’t been able to show it.
Coping with my own stuff takes a lot of energy.
I don’t know why I get so upset with you sometimes, but I’m really working on it.”
It had been two years since my brother went into rehab.
For anyone who has a loved one who is an addict or a recovering addict,
You know that those early days of sobriety can be especially hard on a family.
We were so happy that he was getting help,
but we all had to learn how to regulate huge emotions very quickly.
His apology overwhelmed me.
I loved him more in that moment than I had in years.
I think all I said was, “Thank you, that means a lot to me.”
But it also meant that I had to step up to the plate,
just as he had, and admit that we were on a journey together.
It was about a year later when I was finally ready to accept responsibility for the mean,
reactive words I said in heated moments of anger and disappointment.
We addressed the need to start seeing each other for who were are now,
rather than focusing solely on who we were then.
In the years since his apology,
our relationship has become more stable and loving.
Just the other day, he told me that he misses and loves me.
We share music and memes and Torah, and I’m so grateful.
The trust we've developed since his apology gave me the courage,
just a few weeks ago,
to ask him about his experience with the 12-step program in rehab.
The 12 Steps are a set of actions
that guide people in recovering from addiction
and other compulsive behaviors.
Though the steps are based on spiritual principles,
many people who aren't religious find the program helpful.
Given that the fourth step is
about making amends,
I said to Philip,
“I’m thinking about that day when you apologized to me… and it meant so much to me.
I wanted to ask, what was the 12-step program like for you?”
To my surprise, he said,
“I actually didn't do the 12-step program because I realized it was already built into Judaism.”
He told me that the program inspired him to to look at our tradition
and ask
‘How can I apply these tools practically?’
When he started attending AA meetings,
he participated in conversations about mortality and spirituality
that reminded him of the spiritual work required of us on Yom Kippur.
People asked questions like,
"Are my affairs squared away?"
If I died tomorrow,
What would people say at my eulogy?
Have I left pain or conflict unresolved?"
These are the same questions we ask ourselves on Yom Kippur,
when we rehearse our deaths by fasting,
wearing white like Jewish burial shrouds,
Standing before our creator,
Asking the question,
“If we only had one more tomorrow, what would still be left undone?”
In re-reading our special haftarah for this Shabbat Shuva,
It was as if I was seeing it for the first time through my brother’s eyes;
I noticed something I hadn’t seen before:
A set of steps towards repentance embedded in the first four words.
The opening line of our haftarah reads,
“Shuva Ad Adonai Eloheicha”
Return unto Adonai, your God.
Each of these first four words represents one step of the process toward teshuva.
Step one is Shuva:
return,
We start by returning to ourselves.
without judgment,
but with as much honesty as we can muster.
We ask ourselves:
How have I lied to myself to protect my ego?
What parts of myself are hard to look at?
Did I want to hurt the other person?
Confronting ourselves prepares us for step 2: Ad.
Going back to the haftarah
The second word Ad has two contrasting meanings:
The first, when used in reference to humans, is that of reaching a limit,
As in, “Go up until you reach this place.”
While the second meaning, when used in reference to God, is that of eternity.
As in, “God’s name shall be praised forever and ever.”
We stand humbly before the Eternal, and say,
“Even when I feel distant from you,
I know that I don't understand.
For I am limited and you are limitless.”
At the end of the day,
We are not God.
We are not bad people for making mistakes.
We are simply people.
And we do not get better through shame or setting impossible standards,
But by learning to accept our limitations.
Which brings us to step 3: compassion.
Adonai is the name of God associated with compassion.
As in, “Adonai, Adonai El Rachum ve’chanun”
Adonai, Adonai, God of compassion and graciousness.
When we treat ourselves with compassion,
we can ask others for forgiveness from a place of confidence.
But if we go in self-consciously, seeking approval from the other,
we lose our ability to be vulnerable and to apologize fully.
Only when we have taken these three steps:
When we’ve looked hard at ourselves,
atoned with God, the ultimate judge,
and made amends with those we’ve harmed,
can we approach the fourth step: Eloheicha.
Our final step is rooted in the name Elohim,
associated with din, judgment.
We step into the role of judge,
from a place of compassion,
confronting those who have caused us pain.
saying, “I needed you, and I felt let down.” or
“I left our last interaction feeling hurt. Did you know that?”
Confrontation is healthy when done with the intention of repair.
Shuva Ad Adonai Eloheicha
Shuva: return to yourself
Ad: accept yourself
Adonai: have compassion with yourself as you seek forgiveness of others
Eloheicha: have compassion as you confront others
Teshuva is here for us, we all have access to it.
It transformed Philip’s life,
and my family’s life as a result.
After nearly 8 years of sobriety,
My brother continues to transform the lives
of those whose shoes he once walked in,
working as a clinical counselor for those battling addiction.
We become stronger when we face
the consequences of our actions,
whether in a laundry room
or in a synagogue.
This year, may we all be blessed with honest relationships, spiritual comfort,
and kindness toward ourselves and others
as we continue on this journey of teshuva.
Shabbat shalom.
Watch our sermon above or on Youtube, listen on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, or read the transcript above.
October 2, 2024
The Power of Apology: Four Steps to Teshuvah
Rabbinic Intern Brooklyn Michalowicz
The Power of Apology: Four Steps to Teshuvah
Rabbinic Intern Brooklyn Michalowicz
Several years ago, my brother Philip approached me in the laundry room.
“Brooks, do you have a minute?”
I was loading the dryer and had all the time in the world.
He hunched his shoulders, and quietly said,
“I wanted to say that I’m sorry.
I’m really sorry for being mean for so long.
Mom told me that you think I don’t respect you because I’m not nice to you,
but I do respect you, a lot.
And I’m sorry I haven’t been able to show it.
Coping with my own stuff takes a lot of energy.
I don’t know why I get so upset with you sometimes, but I’m really working on it.”
It had been two years since my brother went into rehab.
For anyone who has a loved one who is an addict or a recovering addict,
You know that those early days of sobriety can be especially hard on a family.
We were so happy that he was getting help,
but we all had to learn how to regulate huge emotions very quickly.
His apology overwhelmed me.
I loved him more in that moment than I had in years.
I think all I said was, “Thank you, that means a lot to me.”
But it also meant that I had to step up to the plate,
just as he had, and admit that we were on a journey together.
It was about a year later when I was finally ready to accept responsibility for the mean,
reactive words I said in heated moments of anger and disappointment.
We addressed the need to start seeing each other for who were are now,
rather than focusing solely on who we were then.
In the years since his apology,
our relationship has become more stable and loving.
Just the other day, he told me that he misses and loves me.
We share music and memes and Torah, and I’m so grateful.
The trust we've developed since his apology gave me the courage,
just a few weeks ago,
to ask him about his experience with the 12-step program in rehab.
The 12 Steps are a set of actions
that guide people in recovering from addiction
and other compulsive behaviors.
Though the steps are based on spiritual principles,
many people who aren't religious find the program helpful.
Given that the fourth step is
about making amends,
I said to Philip,
“I’m thinking about that day when you apologized to me… and it meant so much to me.
I wanted to ask, what was the 12-step program like for you?”
To my surprise, he said,
“I actually didn't do the 12-step program because I realized it was already built into Judaism.”
He told me that the program inspired him to to look at our tradition
and ask
‘How can I apply these tools practically?’
When he started attending AA meetings,
he participated in conversations about mortality and spirituality
that reminded him of the spiritual work required of us on Yom Kippur.
People asked questions like,
"Are my affairs squared away?"
If I died tomorrow,
What would people say at my eulogy?
Have I left pain or conflict unresolved?"
These are the same questions we ask ourselves on Yom Kippur,
when we rehearse our deaths by fasting,
wearing white like Jewish burial shrouds,
Standing before our creator,
Asking the question,
“If we only had one more tomorrow, what would still be left undone?”
In re-reading our special haftarah for this Shabbat Shuva,
It was as if I was seeing it for the first time through my brother’s eyes;
I noticed something I hadn’t seen before:
A set of steps towards repentance embedded in the first four words.
The opening line of our haftarah reads,
“Shuva Ad Adonai Eloheicha”
Return unto Adonai, your God.
Each of these first four words represents one step of the process toward teshuva.
Step one is Shuva:
return,
We start by returning to ourselves.
without judgment,
but with as much honesty as we can muster.
We ask ourselves:
How have I lied to myself to protect my ego?
What parts of myself are hard to look at?
Did I want to hurt the other person?
Confronting ourselves prepares us for step 2: Ad.
Going back to the haftarah
The second word Ad has two contrasting meanings:
The first, when used in reference to humans, is that of reaching a limit,
As in, “Go up until you reach this place.”
While the second meaning, when used in reference to God, is that of eternity.
As in, “God’s name shall be praised forever and ever.”
We stand humbly before the Eternal, and say,
“Even when I feel distant from you,
I know that I don't understand.
For I am limited and you are limitless.”
At the end of the day,
We are not God.
We are not bad people for making mistakes.
We are simply people.
And we do not get better through shame or setting impossible standards,
But by learning to accept our limitations.
Which brings us to step 3: compassion.
Adonai is the name of God associated with compassion.
As in, “Adonai, Adonai El Rachum ve’chanun”
Adonai, Adonai, God of compassion and graciousness.
When we treat ourselves with compassion,
we can ask others for forgiveness from a place of confidence.
But if we go in self-consciously, seeking approval from the other,
we lose our ability to be vulnerable and to apologize fully.
Only when we have taken these three steps:
When we’ve looked hard at ourselves,
atoned with God, the ultimate judge,
and made amends with those we’ve harmed,
can we approach the fourth step: Eloheicha.
Our final step is rooted in the name Elohim,
associated with din, judgment.
We step into the role of judge,
from a place of compassion,
confronting those who have caused us pain.
saying, “I needed you, and I felt let down.” or
“I left our last interaction feeling hurt. Did you know that?”
Confrontation is healthy when done with the intention of repair.
Shuva Ad Adonai Eloheicha
Shuva: return to yourself
Ad: accept yourself
Adonai: have compassion with yourself as you seek forgiveness of others
Eloheicha: have compassion as you confront others
Teshuva is here for us, we all have access to it.
It transformed Philip’s life,
and my family’s life as a result.
After nearly 8 years of sobriety,
My brother continues to transform the lives
of those whose shoes he once walked in,
working as a clinical counselor for those battling addiction.
We become stronger when we face
the consequences of our actions,
whether in a laundry room
or in a synagogue.
This year, may we all be blessed with honest relationships, spiritual comfort,
and kindness toward ourselves and others
as we continue on this journey of teshuva.
Shabbat shalom.
Watch our sermon above or on Youtube, listen on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, or read the transcript above.