Are You Lonely? A Jewish Answer to the Loneliness Epidemic (Kol Nidrei 5785)

Are You Lonely? A Jewish Answer to the Loneliness Epidemic
Rabbinic Intern Rebecca Thau, Kol Nidrei 5785

The news feels overwhelming this year.
The ever-expanding war in the Middle East.
The upcoming election.
The devastation wrought by Hurricanes Helene and Milton.

It’s hard to think about much of anything
Beyond the seemingly endless list of global afflictions
That have occupied so much of our time and our heartspace this year.

But this is precisely what I am going to ask us to do tonight
Because this is what Yom Kippur asks us to do.

Yom Kippur,
Our annual day of introspection,
Compels us to turn our attention inward.
This refocusing is scary.
It’s hard.
It’s countercultural, even.
We so seldom have the time;
We so seldom give ourselves permission.
But that is what we will do here together.

So, rather than focus on these external afflictions,
I am going to invite us to look inward,
To examine an affliction that is plaguing our souls:
Loneliness,
And specifically,
America’s devastating loneliness epidemic.

Loneliness entered the popular, public discourse last year
When the United States Surgeon General
published a groundbreaking report last year,
Entitled
“Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.”

In it,
Surgeon General Vivek Murthy revealed that
a full half of all adults in the United States
experience chronic loneliness.
That’s right—
50% of all American adults,
From all backgrounds,
Including around half of the people in this room,
Suffer from extended periods of painful loneliness.

We experience loneliness for many reasons.
Some are lonely after moving to a new city
Or starting a new job.
Others are lonely due to physical isolation
Caused by illness or disability.
Some are lonely
After a recent breakup or divorce.
Others are lonely after a partner’s death,
Some feel lonely in their ongoing relationships.
Some are lonely without any relationships at all.
Still others are lonely in their battles with addiction.
Some are lonely in their mental health struggles.

While loneliness is universal,
Many in the Jewish community
Experienced a different kind of loneliness
post-October 7th.
Some of us were lonely in our grief
immediately following that initial Hamas attack.
I will always remember
which non-Jewish friends contacted me
In the days following
because so few of them did.

Others of us feel lonely
because of spikes in antisemitism here at home.
At least two people I know,
Who were wearing a kippah or a Jewish star necklace
On the subway,
Have been spat on.

But others still
Feel lonely in Jewish community
Because of their stance on Israel.
Jews who have criticized the state’s actions,
spoken out for the innocent victims in Gaza,
marched in the streets protesting for a ceasefire—
Many of these Jews have been rebuffed and even rejected
By their own Jewish community.

Far too many of us
Are struggling with loneliness.

I recently heard two stories
From my friend Natalie,
Whom I met at High Holiday services
Back when we were in college together,
That demonstrate the profoundly universal nature
of this ongoing loneliness epidemic.

Natalie is in medical school
and working as a “resident tutor” at our alma mater.
In this role,
She supports undergraduates,
Many of whom are struggling with loneliness.
Natalie told me about one college sophomore
Who excelled in his classes,
But who struggled finding a sense of belonging
Because his upbringing differed greatly from his peers.
Even in a dining hall overflowing with classmates at dinnertime,
This student felt all alone.

Natalie also spends significant time
working with people experiencing homelessness.
She told me about one woman she met
Who was navigating homelessness and opioid use disorder.
Because of her addiction,
This woman lost custody of her children.
She was left with no one to turn to.
She confided in Natalie,
“Addiction is the opposite of community.”

Loneliness doesn’t discriminate
Based on education or gender or age.
We can all experience loneliness.

The data show this, too.
The amount of time
Americans spend together
Has declined dramatically.
The average American now spends
Twenty fewer hours with friends
Each month.
And for those aged 15-24,
Not much younger than I am,
The decline is even more striking:
Young people now spend
70% less time with their friends
Than people their age did in 2003.
That’s 90 fewer minutes each day.

It turns out
This loneliness doesn't “just” feel bad.
The third-century rabbi Rava
Was onto something when he declared,
“אוֹ חַבְרוּתָא אוֹ מִיתוּתָא”—
“Companionship or death.”

Some 1600 years later,
Surgeon General Vivek Murthy articulated the same idea
When he said:
“our need for human connection
is like our need for food and water:
essential for our survival.”

Doctors and scientists agree:
Chronic loneliness has devastating health impacts.
It increases a person’s risk of
Cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety,
and even premature death.

At this point,
Some of you might be thinking
That you like to be alone.
The introverts among us might prefer
Alone time.

But there is a difference between being alone
And being lonely.
We all need to be alone sometimes.
When we choose to be alone with a good book or movie,
That time doesn’t feel incomplete.
It’s sometimes exactly the break we need.
And, conversely,
We can feel most lonely,
even invisible,
among a big crowd,
Like that college student in the dining hall.

Being alone isn’t a problem;
Chronic loneliness is.

Poet Maggie Nelson describes this difference beautifully.
She writes:
“I have been trying,
for some time now,
to find dignity in my loneliness.
I have been finding this hard to do.”
“It is easier,
of course,
to find dignity in one’s solitude.
Loneliness is solitude with a problem.”

It turns out,
This universal problem has a Jewish solution,
One that begins in the Torah’s very first chapter.

You see,
From the very beginning of Torah,
We learn that God is lonely.

The Torah calls the first day of Creation,
On which God makes light and dark,
יוֹם אֶחָד, “day one.”
But why doesn’t the Hebrew read יום ראשון,
“The first day?”
The other days say “second,” “third,” and so on.
Our rabbis teach
That Torah reads אֶחָד, one,
Because God was completely alone in the universe.
God was the only one there.
So God began to fill up the universe
With water, vegetation, birds, cattle.
This is so relatable:
God tried to counteract God's loneliness by accumulating things.
But,
As anyone who shops online when feeling blue could tell you,
This doesn't really work.

Even after creating all of this,
God was still fixated on the plague of loneliness.

From the sea to the sky,
From the fish to the foliage,
God describes each aspect of Creation
As “tov,” good.
All, that is,
Except one thing, which is described as
Lo tov,
“Not good:”
לֹא־ט֛וֹב הֱי֥וֹת הָֽאָדָ֖ם לְבַדּ֑וֹ
“It is not good for a person to be lonely.”

It seems like God might have been speaking from personal experience here.
It seems like God,
Like so many of us,
Intimately knows the pain of loneliness.

Our human loneliness is a mirror image
Of God’s loneliness.
When we acknowledge
that there is a spark of the Divine
even in our loneliness,
Perhaps we can start to “find dignity” in it,
Like Maggie Nelson suggested.

But simply acknowledging this isn’t enough–
Not for God and not for us.

God goes an extra step to alleviate Divine loneliness
By establishing an everlasting covenant—
A transcendent web of connection
Based on mutual responsibility and interdependence.

Most of us don’t hear the word “covenant” everyday.
The lawyers among us
Might associate “covenant” with
Loan agreements or warranties.
But God–
The ultimate Lonely One—
Establishes something much more powerful
Than a standard contract or agreement.

This covenant is
An everlasting conversation
That crosses generations and geography.

In the Torah reading we’ll hear tomorrow,
God vows:
“I make [this covenant] with those who are standing here
with us today before our God,
and equally with all who are not here with us today.”
Through the repetition of that word today,
The Torah teaches that covenant extends eternally,
To every “today” to follow.
Today,
October 11, 2024,
We are still party to this covenant.

The theologian Rabbi Eugene Borowitz
Taught that this covenantal relationship provides a
“source of human meaning beyond the self.”

But how?

Covenant means that we are inextricably bound to each other,
Woven together into a tapestry
of mutual connection and mutual support.
Covenant charges us to
feel responsible for each other’s well being.
When we develop this sense of interdependence,
We can actualize our transcendent connection
And, hopefully, mitigate our loneliness.

But to actualize those connections,
First we have to know each other.

I mentioned that I met my friend Natalie at High Holiday services.
I’ll confess that
I don’t remember what the rabbi preached about
Or what melodies were used.
But I remember distinctly when the rabbi invited us
to turn to someone we did not know and introduce ourselves.
I thought it was cheesy and awkward.
But I struck up a brief conversation with a girl in the row ahead of me.
And she’s become one of my best friends.
Of all the holy things that might happen in High Holiday services,
Forging that connection might have been the most sacred of all.
It is a gift for which I am forever grateful.

So, we will take a moment now to turn to those around us in this congregation,
Preferably in the row ahead or behind you,
To introduce ourselves.
There’s a good chance
You’ll see each other again tomorrow.
As you introduce yourselves,
You’re invited to also share what brought you to this service tonight.

When our biblical ancestors first joined together in covenant,
They didn’t necessarily know each other.
They came together to become something larger
By joining something larger.
Like our biblical ancestors,
We are a diverse community.
Some of us were born into Judaism.
Some of us practice Judaism regularly;
Others of us only embrace Judaism on the holidays.
Some are here because you love a Jewish person
Or are curious about what Judaism can offer.
Some of us are in the process of choosing Judaism.

None of us have the same journey with Judaism
Or with covenant.
But all of us are part of this covenantal community.

Another section from that same Torah portion
We’ll read tomorrow demonstrates this.
The text reads:
“You stand this day,
all of you,
before your Eternal God—
the heads of your tribes,
your elders and officers,
everyone in Israel,
men, women, and children,
and the strangers in your camp,
from the one who chops your wood
to the one who draws your water.”

No matter what someone does for a living–
All are included in this covenant.
No matter what someone’s gender—
All are included in this covenant.
No matter when you find or choose or embrace Judaism—
You are included in this covenant.

Each of us has the power to discover how covenant can be ours.
Some of us might live out the covenant
by volunteering in our programs
to support those coming home from prison or jail.
Others of us might prefer communal prayer
As a source of covenantal connection.
Others still of us might enact the covenant
by learning together in our Beit Midrash.

I’m not here to list all of Central Synagogue’s many offerings.
I’m here to awaken our hope—
Our hope that we can develop a sense of transcendent connection
With those in this room
And with those not in this room.
Our hope that,
Through this sense of mutual responsibility and shared commitment,
We can alleviate our loneliness.

What would happen if we,
Like our biblical ancestors,
Came together into something bigger than ourselves?
Imagine how we could enrich our lives
And the lives of those around us.
Imagine how much more connected—
How much less lonely—
we might feel.

We move through many seasons in our lives.
But our covenantal community endures through them all.
Our lonely God still seeks connection,
And we can still emulate God
When we actualize this Divine covenant–
By affirming our interdependence.

5784 was a season of deep loneliness for too many of us.
May 5785 be our season of transcendent connection.